Funny Jokes : wife VERSUS girlfriend

Wife is like a TV
Girlfriend is like a MOBILE

At home u watch TV, but when u go out u take ur MOBILE

No money, u sell the TV, got money u change ur MOBILE

Sometimes u enjoy TV, but most of the time u play with ur MOBILE

TV is free for life,but for the MOBILE, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old!
But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable

Operational costs for TV is often acceptable, but for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding

TV has a remote, MOBILE doesn't

Most importantly, MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen),but with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not)

Last but not least! TVs don't have viruses, but MOBILEs often do...

Funny : Do you smoke?

Once a Smoker was smoking at the Gandhi International airport .........
A gentleman came & asked him, “How much do you smoke a day?”
Smoker: “Why are you asking such question?”
Gentleman replied: “If you had saved that money instead of smoking, the plane which is in front of you, would have been yours.”
Smoker then asked that gentleman: “Do you smoke?”
Gentleman: “No”.
Smoker asked: “Does that plane belong to you?”
Gentleman replied: “No.”
Smoker: “Thanks for your kind advice, but that plane is mine.”
[Smoker's Name-Vijay Mallya]. < owns Kingfisher airlines (India's Budget Airline)

Moral of the Story:- Unnecessary advice is injurious to health

Now I don't advise friends not to smoke, as I was a smoker myself until 30 years ago when I kick the habit completely.

As a smoker I did'nt own an aeroplane, and now as a non smoker I also did not own a plane.

Do whatever you like - Moderation is the word.

Funny Jokes: The Final Prediction

A low cost budget film crew was shooting on an Indian Reservoir beach about natural psychic abilities of ancient American Indians.

Suddenly an Indian shows up, walks to the Director and says, “Tomorrow wind Storm, No shooting please. “ Sure enough a storm came and Director saved lots of money.


A few days later, again shooting preparedness was made and the Indian shows up.

“Tomorrow hurricane, no shooting please.” Sure enough a hurricane came and Director saved the money.


The amazing accurate predictive ability of the Indian on snow, rain, ice, blizzard, lightning, thunderstorm, was financially benefiting the Director that he got fond of him.

Now he was reaching towards the climax of the important shooting and waiting for the Indian to come and predict the weather.


The Indian was no where to be found. So he personally went looking for him and found him in a stinking smoking chimney hut. He went inside, bowed to him in a manners of their ancient customs, praised him and prayed that he bless him with the prediction for tomorrow’s finale.

The Indian says, “Tomorrow no prediction. My Radio broke down.”

Funny Story: A Bee Story

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.


The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'


'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.


The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.


The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?



The bee answered ..








Wait for it.wait for it..







You're just gonna love






Bee Pee










I see you smiling... ;-)

Have a great day !

Funny Jokes: Old married couple

Old married couple and the husband is rummaging under the bed where he finds a cardboard box containing two eggs and five thousand pounds.

He goes downstairs to the wife and says, "I've just found this box under the bed with two eggs and five thousand pounds, what's going on?"

"Well" she says "every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in that box."
The old man weighs the situation up and thinks, "Two eggs after 50 years of marriage, I can forgive her that"

"O.K." he says and what about the five thousand pounds?"
"Well" she says, “every time I had a dozen, I sold them!!!!"

Funny Jokes: A Guy and a Policeman

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the 401 for a nice evening drive. As the needle jumped up to 125 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

Confident he could outrun the police car, be began to drive faster. The needle hit 100, 120, 140 and finally 160 with the lights still behind him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork, and I did enjoy chasing you like that, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving like that I haven't heard before you can go."

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice night," said the officer and went home.

Funny Jokes: 4 People on a Train

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a South African, an Australian (both blokes), a young blonde lady, and a little old lady.

The train goes into a tunnel & a few seconds later there's the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
"That Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek."

The blonde thinks:
"That Australian must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his cheek"

The Australian thinks:
"That South African must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead."

The South African thinks:
"I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap that bloody Aussie again."

Funny jokes: Choking

A yuletide meal at an expensive restaurant is disturbed when a woman starts screaming.

"My son is choking" she cries,
"He's swallowed the sixpence in the Christmas pudding. Please anyone help!"

Without speaking, a man stands up at a nearby table and walks over nonchalantly. Smiling pleasantly he grips the boy by the gonads and squeezes.

The boy coughs and out pops the coin.

"Thank you so much" beams the relieved mother, "are you a paramedic?"

"No" replied the man "I work for the inland revenue".

Funny jokes: Just ten …

After months of ill heath, a man makes an appointment with his doctor for a full check-up.

The doctor brings out the results and says,
“I'm afraid I've got some very bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time left”.

The man looks shocked.
“Oh that's terrible! How long have I got?”

“Ten” replies the doctor.

“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What on earth do you mean?”

The doctor looks at him sadly. “Nine... Eight...”

Funny jokes: Fireman and bells

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife,

“You know, we have a great system at the fire station. Bell one ring and we all put on our jackets. Bell two rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell three rings and we are ready to go on the engines.”

“That is superb my dear” says his old lady.

“From now on, we are going to run this house the same way. When I say bell one I want you to strip naked. When I say bell two I want you to jump into bed. When I say bell three we are going to have sex all night” continues the fire fighter.


So the next night the fireman comes home from work and yells,
"Bell one",
and his wife takes of all her clothes.

"Bell two" he shouts and she jumps into bed.

"Bell three" he barks and they begin to have sex.

But after just a couple of minutes his wife yells,
"Bell four"

"What’s this bell four?" the husband asks.

"More hose" she replies "you're nowhere near the fire!"

Funny jokes: Mike’s goldfish died

Little Mike was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to he politely asked,

"What are you up to there, Mike?"

"My goldfish died and I've just buried him" replied Mike tearfully without looking up

The neighbor frowned.

"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?"

Mike patted down the last piece of earth.

"Well", he replied, "that's because it's inside your cat."